Rave Reviews, Lucas Goes "Street"--and, Man, Is Portman Peeved!

AmShak

Senior Moderator
Staff member
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News from E Online...
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Hyperspace: He probably won't end up "person of the year," but at least Yoda made the cover of Time this week. Newsweek, too, bites into Attack of the Clones, and we've got a few tidbits from the movie's major media assault:
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AmShak

Senior Moderator
Staff member
Revelation Number Two: Attack of the Clones kicks ass.

The Time cover story reviews a rough cut of the movie, and it's almost as giddy as online fanboy Harry Knowles' sneak peek a few weeks ago. "Clones seems poised to get the series back on track," writes Time, "and provide an exhilarating two hours of serious fun." The article discusses the complexity of hero Anakin (Hayden Christensen), how coscreenwriter Jonathan Hales "engaged with his flesh-and-blood characters" and how Padmé (Natalie Portman) and Anakin "could be the first plausible love duo in the Lucas oeuvre." You mean besides R2-D2 and C-3PO, right?

Even More Hyperspace: Over the last few months, Lucasfilm has been quietly publishing a little site called Holonet News. It's sort of a spoof, a fake news site from galactic capital planet Coruscant, packed with stories about politics ("Palpatine Health Rumors Denied") and familiar faces ("Rep. Binks Destroys Ice Statue at Gala Fundraiser") plus parodies of Web ads ("Click the Nuna, win a credit!"). It's pretty funny but has yet to prove itself the outer-space Onion.

Then last week, the marketing machine behind Episode II cereal and Doritos bags plastered with pics of Samuel L. Jackson launched three more sites with--get this--a gritty underground flavor. One pitches real estate on the Episode II water planet Kamino, one has a cryptic drawing of a purple light saber and the other is covered with street fliers urging users to seek Zen time with Yoda. Each has funky Attack of the Clones logos, Warhol-esque wallpaper and links to a new trailer. Each wants to be cool.

Please excuse us while we rant.

Why even bother trying to be hip, street or in any way "alternative"? We're sold, Mr. Lucas. You had us at hello. We're going to see the movie. And a transparent attempt at subversive online marketing won't bring back those fans alienated by that sledgehammer you're using to sell movies these days. So, just stick with the Doritos.

Okay. Done ranting. Back to the news.

Postcards from Over the Edge: An all-star Los Angeles gala last week in honor of George Lucas, hosted by the British Academy of Film and Television Arts, went weird fast. Don't blame Steven Spielberg and Harrison Ford, who presented the Bearded One with the Stanley Kubrick Britannia Award for Excellence in Film. Nope, it was host Carrie Fisher (she was Princess Leia, see) who sent things careening when she gave Lucas a serious, unexpected ribbing.

"My name is Carrie Fisher, and I'm an alcoholic," she told the crowd. "You would be an alcoholic, too, if 57 years ago you played a princess with a humiliating hairstyle." Fisher harangued the crowd about how miserable her life has been since 1977--and how it was all Lucas' fault. She blamed Star Wars for, among other things, two failed marriages, one to a "midget" and the other to a "gay man." We're pretty sure she was kidding, but a few guests got squeamish during her tirade and left, says a source who was in the room.

Things got only slightly more comfortable when ex-Spice Girl Geri Halliwell sang and gyrated in what looked like her underwear, surrounded by women dressed as strippers.

So, er, congrats on that award, George!

Colin Powell's on the Way: Politics in the galaxy far, far away are complicated enough (what's with those Trade Federation guys, anyway?) without involving the Middle East. But the current turmoil in Israel has finally dragged galactic politician/movie star Natalie Portman, who was born in Jerusalem, into the debate.

Now a junior at Harvard, Portman was outraged by an essay in the school's paper accusing "white Israeli soldiers" of harassing "the brown people" in the West Bank. She returned fire in a levelheaded letter to the editor, pointing out that tons of Israelis (including members of the government) are "Sephardic Jews, many of whom originate from Arab countries," and are as "brown" as any Palestinian.

You tell 'em, Natalie. Now if only she'd come to the defense of the Gungans on Naboo, the green people of Dagobah and the oppressed Wookiees of Kashyyyk...

Armed Conflict: Warning: This item contains a single spoiler, so if you don't want to hear it, turn back now. And--just as important--don't look at the toys now on sale. Stay away from Toys "R" Us until you've seen the movie. Repeat: Do not play with the toys!

Okay. So the Clones action figures went on sale this week, and we were shocked--shocked!--to have key plot points from the movie ruined by simple toy functionality.

After ogling the much-coveted Jango Fett figure (with a projectile rocket pack!), we picked up the Anakin Skywalker Hanger Duel figure. He comes with two light sabers, which he uses in battle against the evil Darth Tyrannus. Cool. But what's this? His right arm comes off? It severs at the elbow to, as the package explains, "reenact battle wounds."

Gee, thanks, Hasbro. Thanks for telling us that, just as Luke loses his hand in a duel with Darth Vader in The Empire Strikes Back, the pre-Darth Anakin starts dropping body parts in Episode II, starting with his arm.

Shhh. If you read this far, do me a favor: Don't tell anyone.
 
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